So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Enjoy the penises
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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