i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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