Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
