tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
