No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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