My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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