I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
