I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
