Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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