i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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