Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
