3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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