somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
