My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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