I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
