ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
