either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
