Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
