I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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