mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize