my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
