she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
3 2 1 whiskey
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize