She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize