she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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