bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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