Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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