Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
