broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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