maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize