chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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