Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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