so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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