Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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