nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
