I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
