I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
