If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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