How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
