Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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