We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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