i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
did you just send me my own nude
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize