she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
