I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
where am i from again
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize