I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
