when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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