You can't motorboat a personality
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
