I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
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