no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
