The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
They are going to name an STD after you.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
