im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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