omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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