my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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