If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
