mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
