its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
