We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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