Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
