I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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